After the First Viva

Why am I here? My brain hurts, I feel bruised and completely self-doubting my intentions. The Viva did not go well today. I was triangulated by three critics who ripped my research topic to pieces. I need to theorise the subject better. To them I sounded like a raving hippy activist.

I'm feeling deflated. Perhaps that is all I am and I shall carry on with what I do in front of the computer all day; lost in the virtual world and in the real one completely cynical with all faith lost in humanity.

To be honest I hadn't prepared well for the presentation, working on it till 2am the night before. Just juggling work, worrying about finances and being a parent is hard. Free time was a limited before so where on earth did I think I was going to get any time to do this Masters? Reading and further reading for this course, and then theorising it into something tangible is near impossible because of time restraints.

Then there are the money restraints. Being self-employed comes with its insecurities: whether you are going to have a free couple of months with no work thus no money, whether your customers pay on time, the growing tax bill looming in the back of your mind, plus covering the monthly bills. I am also a single parent. With the daughter's milestone birthday imminent and the parental duties of creating a magical Christmas, money is not a flowing. I also have a £1755 invoice to settle in full by the 10th December for my Masters course.

I am doubting whether I should stay on the course, just two months in. Perhaps this was all just a pipe-dream...

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The Battle of Two Wolves

I have always loved this quote but it seems much more poignant now.

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